Its’ all about perception.
Forgiveness ranges from something we do easily and willingly to something we withhold and use like a weapon.
The problem being we don’t recognise a fundamental truth: If we don’t forgive someone - It eventually remains only us who are hurt by it.
That’s the undealt with aspect of not forgiving and holding on as tightly as we do, it causes damage and becomes the ‘unresolved area’ in our lives that gets bigger rather than smaller. It presents itself in lots of ways: Resentment, withdrawal, even ego driven rants that have people wishing we could just let go and move on already.
Small but significant fact: the person who needs to be forgiven has probably long moved on from this and is happily living their lives free of the angst of our suffering.
Underlying the concept of forgiveness is feeling wronged or cheated, and that it needs to be repaired or made right. Until that happens the incident simmers away and we carry it around secretly wishing it wasn’t there.
Crucially the only person who can shift that weight is us! It isn’t true that the person who wronged us has the power to release this from us – it comes down to us and how we perceive it. We have the power - we just don’t use it. The advantage of knowing this is that we can use it to free ourselves from this dead weight we insist on carrying around because we are right, and they are wrong.
Being right is overrated, and usually comes at the cost of us or that relationship anyway.
I’m not saying we should dismiss how we feel or discount how much damage has been done. We need to honour ourselves, acknowledge the hurt or loss, take action to repair this and then let it go. Not to let someone else off the hook – to let ourselves off the hook!
We don’t always recognise how much energy and time we put into harbouring this. This leads to detrimental consequences on our sense of self and ultimately our health.
It takes a big person to forgive, especially if we have been wronged more than once by the same person. Unfortunately, the level of hurt directly relates to the closeness of the relationship. In other words, the closer the person, the bigger the hurt.
I’ve had to learn to forgive people in my life, not for their sake but for my own. It hasn’t been easy and the self-righteous part of me wants to hold onto ‘they’ve wronged me’ but life has taught me, I end up perpetuating the cycle and wronging myself. I’ve found a simple formula that works for me, that may resonate with you
I call it the 4 D’s
The beauty of choosing an action, means we let go of this burden and create space for a more joy filled life. That might mean having a more honest conversation with that person and feeling better because we did, or it may mean that we begin releasing them from our lives. Whichever form it takes is the best solution for you. And part of forgiveness is learning to trust ourselves, our instincts and our feelings about this.
Our 6th sense is usually right and a good guide for where things really lie.
It actually doesn’t matter whether or not the person who wronged us agrees or not, the point is we have decided to deal with this once and for all, put it down and move on.
The freedom in that is liberating.
Can you forgive them to free yourself
Are you worth having more joy in your life
Your Angels think so
As with anything I write, please feel free to comment, like or share
Have a wonderful week